TV Movie: “Man-Thing”

img_0822-1Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it does. The level of worse really depends on who you ask, but since it’s that low to begin with, does it really matter? Bad is bad. Nothing you can do or say is ever going to change that.

The Lionsgate Films movie “Man-Thing”, is about as bad as things get for Marvel adaptations. No seriously. It’s awful.

This terrible excuse for a movie stars Matthew Le Nevez (“Brock”, “Offspring”), Rachael Taylor (upcoming “Gold”, “Luke Cage”), Rawiri Paratene (“Rising Dust (Short 2013)”, “Aukland Daze”), Steve Bastoni (“Wentworth”, “Broke”), Robert Mammone (“Brock”, “The Principal”), Alex O’Loughlin (upcoming episodes “Hawaii Five-0”, “Three Rivers”), and Jack Thompson (“The Light Between Oceans”, “Ruben Gutherie”).

The movie was directed by Brett Leonard (“Innocence (Short 2012)”, “Hole in the Head: A Life Revealed”) and written by Hans Rodionoff (“Saf3”, “Breaking In”).

This TV movie originally aired on April 30, 2005 on SciFi (now SyFy).

I’m a sucker for pain. I’ve known a that for some time, but apparently I needed at least one extreme lesson to fully understand how dangerous that is. Watching bad films and movies can be fun, but sometimes, not at all. Nothing will make it worth it. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Taylor was in this, even though I saw it when it originally aired, and over the last few weeks have been trying to catch it airing again. And now that I’ve done so, I’m just disappointed. More so in myself. How could I be so fucking stupid? I’m not sure what prompted my desire to revisit this TV movie, but something did and it never went away. In so many ways I’m really glad I didn’t know that Taylor was in this. I might’ve put some actual thought into not seeing this movie. Then where would we be?

Doing anything but this. Mind you, this isn’t bad, and this time I really get to warn people about this disaster of a movie.

Here’s hoping they listen.

It’s boring. It’s beyond boring. It’s insufferable. It’s so fucking slow. One of the slowest TV movies I’ve ever seen. Hence why I was bored. You probably won’t be awake by the time the first hour finishes (if you watch it on TV), and if you do, you won’t be paying attention. I’m not sure how I paid as much attention as I did, but I did. However, before the movie was even over, I noted three times how bored I was. It’s funny sometimes when I do, as if I’m going to forget that feeling later on, but when I write down, “Is it over yet? Pleas let I be over soon!”, then there’s a serious problem. I don’t know when, but I checked out. Officially checked out. I think before then, I wasn’t even giving it my full attention. Nothing, and I mean nothing, was remotely interesting. This may be the first time I really didn’t care about the characters. I couldn’t even pretend. No matter how much I like Taylor, she couldn’t even save this piece of shit.

Something that should’ve been somewhat exciting, even by TV movie, and certainly SyFy (or SciFi) standards, were the deaths. They weren’t. I couldn’t get excited about them. Just bloody and a bit darker than I’d like. For me, the deaths have to be fun. Here, they were almost too serious. The whole movie was trying to be serious. Which also makes me wonder how in the hell this character exists? Then, why would anyone think this character would make for an interesting movie of any sort? Not all things need to be adapted.

Nor do all things need to have actors pretending to be Americans. It’s just not worth it. In this case, like a lot of cases, it’s not the actors delivering bad performances, although these weren’t exactly ones I think any of them are proud of, but it’s because of their accents. It’s a tough job, I’m sure, but not all actors can do a good job. They so clearly try to cover whatever natural accent they have, but it doesn’t always work that well. In this movie, to make it even worse, but thankfully just for a moment, the actor’s Australian accents started shining through and made it even more painfully obvious where this was filmed. It’s times like this when I wish the art of masking ones accent was actually easy.

I typically don’t expect much from TV movies, which I’m sure I’ve said here recently, but I expect them to be, at the very least, interesting. I want to be able to pay some attention to it, otherwise there’s no reason to watch. If anything can serve as a prime reason for not continuing to watch any more of these movies, this would be it. However, that being said, with this movie being over a decade old, and many others having come and gone, some actually being fun and enjoyable, I don’t think I’ll learn anything from having rewatched this movie. Well, to never do it again. I think twice is more than enough.

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