TV Movie: “Dead 7”

Some TV movies [laughing] I can do this… When a TV movie is marketed with a specific cast, and on a certain network [laughter continues] a TV movie… [laughter persists]… I … [losing it to laughter] … [gone and died from too much laughter]…

The Asylum TV movie “Dead 7”, is bad and fun in the ways you’d expect, but if you watch it alone it may be the most painful awfully bad, fun movie ever.

This zombie movie stars Nick Carter (“Undateable”, “This is the End”), Jeff Timmons, Joey Fatone (“My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2”, “The Opposite Sex”), Howie Dorough (“Undateable”, “This is the End”), Erik-Michael Estrada (“The Bang Bang Brokers”, “Tainted Rose”), Carrie Keagan (upcoming “Sharknado: The 4th Awakens”, “V/H/S Viral”), Lauren Kitt-Carter (“One Life to Live”, “The Pendant (Short 2010)”), Chris Kirkpatrick (“Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!”, “The Fairly Odd Parents”), AJ McLean (“Undateable”, “This is the End”), and Debra Wilson (“Caged No More”, “Pig Goat Banana Cricket”).

The movie is directed by Danny Roew (“Shotgun Wedding”, “For a Green Card”) and written by Sawyer Perry and a story by Carter.

This TV movie originally aired on April 1, 2016 on SyFy.

Boy did I pick wrong! Big time wrong! I may lose my picking abilities because of this. But in all seriousness, this is truly why I think having Twitter by my side is the only way to watch some of these TV movies. I’ve enjoyed a lot of them in the past few weeks, and that’s because Twitter and the fellow users watching, helped make it so. I’ve never been too sure if this particular social media platform has been that helpful, but I think it may truly have been. Also, there was simply nothing saving this movie or particular experience. It was that bad.

This movie is bad. Bad on all levels. Mind you, there was still some bits of fun had in this movie, but not like I was expecting and not enough to outweigh all the terrible aspects of this movie.

I really don’t know why I’m trying to do more than the above paragraph. There was little redeeming this film.

Each character was just obnoxious and seemed only created to show how obviously different they are. Even the terrible costume design told you as much, and it was just weird as there was no consistency. They live in a specific type of world (duh), but you couldn’t really tell what. For a movie that really prides itself on looking, and somewhat feeling like a western, it didn’t really keep that going all the way through. A bit of a letdown.

As was the acting. It sucked.

Moving on, as there’s no need to say more on that.

God, this is terrible. I really should do something else. If only there was some little voice or a cricket or even an angel on my shoulder.

Seeing as there isn’t, I can say too that not only did the characters annoy me, even if Keagen did have a few awesome moments, but the acting was atrocious. I mean, I didn’t expect anything too great, but I didn’t expect this. I couldn’t even really enjoy it, but again, no Twitter. They all seemed to have a good time, although I think Fatone and McLean are the true standouts. They really just took the bad material and went with it. I think, even though you learned nothing about them, they just knew to go overboard and be silly. While some of the others seemed to get this, their performances didn’t come off that way.

Continuing on this list of things that makes this film bad, the overall script. Perry has never written anything before, and probably only had Carter there as a guide, so it’s not really that surprising that it sucks. Among many gems of dialogue, which were delivered quite terribly, but you couldn’t really do anything with them, there was: “You don’t find her. She finds you.” Later on, Kitt-Carter says as stiff as a bored, “It’s called a sky burial.” Honestly the only thing I thought, after rolling my eyes, was that that scene was turning the movie into a cheap knockoff of “The 100”. Also, Kitt-Carter’s character looked like she was auditioning for a part in said show, but failed at the audition for obvious reasons.

Okay, sorry folks, I held out as long as I could on this. It’s quite painful. So now I’m just going to list the other terrible things about this movie.

They don’t call them zombies. They aimed for something unique like the world itself, so Copperheads are what they’re called.

Wilson’s Apocalypta was way too weird and out of place, even for this movie.

The film was way too serious, and tried way too hard to be like some Quentin Tarantino rip-off. So, so sad.

And that’s about it. Again, I enjoyed bits and pieces but the badness of this movie overcame these fun and slightly better moments.

Some TV movie’s you just can’t save. No matter how much wishful thinking you do, alcohol you consume or any other thing (take your pick), nothing can save it from being all around terrible. Sometimes this terrible can be fun, and somewhat worth it, but other times, it’s not. Not at all. These types of tv movie’s are the reasons why I question my sanity every other month. Although I can never come up with a good answer, and I always come back for more.


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