TV Movie: “The Unauthorized Full House Story”

When someone, multiple people really, tell you that something sucks it’s usually best to not run out to greet it. The let down you’ll experience, brought on by not listening to those that know first hand, is going to be huge and you’ll probably find yourself kicking yourself for the rest of your life. Also, you’ll probably be tormented by your bad decision making for all eternity.

The Lifetime Original film “The Unauthorized Full House Story”, is a steaming pile of shit. That’s it. You’ve been warned.

This “dramatic” TV movie stars Garrett Brawith (“Jurassic City”, “Poseidon Rex”), Justin Mader (“Bitten”, “Covert Affairs”), Justin Gaston (“Days of Our Lives”, “Suits”), Stephanie Bennett (“Descendants”, “UnREAL”), Brittney Wilson (“Proof”, “Olympus”), Shelby Armstrong, Jordyn Ashley Olsen (“The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story”, “Supernatural”), Dakota Guppy (“Falling Skies”, “Wayward Pines”), Juliana Wimbles (“Murder, She Baked: A Chocolate Chip Cookie Mystery”, “Motive ”), Ali Liebert (“Strange Empire”, “Motive”), and Matthew Kevin Anderson (“Impastor”, “iZombie”)

This “movie” was directed by Brian K. Roberts (“Odd Squad”, “Rocky Road”) and written by Ron McGee (“Rizzoli & Isles”, “The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story”).

It originally aired on Aug. 22, 2015 on Lifetime.

I really blew it this time. Apparently I couldn’t be content just knowing that this was a Lifetime movie, but that the trailer looked bad and I still got excited about seeing this. I thought it would be fun, in that so bad it’s good kind of way. I mean, come on, “Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever” was a far more interesting, and definitely fun, film than this crap. I’m never gonna learn am I? Anyway, I didn’t get what I was expecting, but what every other critic or person with a computer and Twitter account knew I’d be getting. What makes all this even sadder is that I used five pages to write down notes (mostly sarcastic negative things) about this film, including the one for the layout of this piece. Yes, I actually had to write it down as it was that necessary. Damn it!
Yes, you read that right. About an hour in, I think, I wrote that lovely and on point note. Small just wouldn’t do it. This film had succeeded in introducing the non-lookalike actors that were to be portraying people that are easily recognizable, even to this day, but they weren’t going to do it in even the slightest bit of an interesting manner. Add to this the fact that the screenwriter and maybe the editor, and who knows how many other people, decided to have this film randomly jump all over the place, and not just with the time period. No, the movie never spent that much time on the children, and when these scenes came up, hoping to get me to feel sorry for them as they’re on a successful TV show and having a hard time, they’d last mere minutes before jumping elsewhere, usually back to the disgusting male leads.

On top of disgusting and unfunny, the male leads, like the other characters, were… something. Lifeless? Whatever. I don’t know, but they were certainly all annoying as hell.

First and foremost, as he got the most time, which he spent whining like a baby, is Brawith as Saget. One thing I hated was that it seemed as if McGee was trying too hard to make Saget funny, even when it’s inappropriate and to people he shouldn’t be making the joke to. Unless he really was like this and then, I pretty much feel sorry for anyone who ever knew him, or still does. He’s clearly an asshole.

This movie also succeeded in making me hate the real Bob Saget, and I don’t even like him a tiny bit. Not at all. Never have, but that’s also because I’ve never wanted to look on YouTube for any of his old standup, if it’s even there. Who am I kidding, of course it’s there, it’s YouTube. Still, after seeing this movie, I’m glad I never wanted to see it or hear it, as it probably sucks. He’s just an irritating person that I can’t believe, even in the late ‘80s, the network would’ve wanted to keep around. Did I mentioned he whined a lot about being on the show?

Let’s see… I do want to repeat that none of these so called actors looked at all like the people they were playing. It’s a sad day when you can have the real life Olsen twins looking cuter than those you hire to be the “Olsen Twins”. Not to mention that the producers couldn’t even get their starting age right. They were not even a year old when they started in this series, and yet, here, they’re something like two or three years old. Uh, no. I call bullshit, as did everybody else.

Just to move this along quickly, as it’s all starting to irritate me again, the actors all sucked and their characters weren’t interesting or worth even pretending to give a damn about. McGee sort of tried, but since everything was one quick moment followed by another, there wasn’t much time to care about what they were doing.

I’m also glad no one wants to admit this is even close to an accurate portrayal, because if it were, I’d seriously find these people even more insufferable than I already (always have) do.

I was going to try and come up with an interesting way to talk about this next grievance, but I can’t, so I’m going to stop pretending I can. This movie just wouldn’t end. I first noticed that this was an issue, when the movie hadn’t even been going for 30 minutes and it seemed longer than that. Of course, it’s not helped when virtually nothing was going on, or as it turned out, was ever going to occur. Then, making this time issue even stranger, once the movie got to the point where the series was cancelled, it didn’t end there. It kept going to show what they did in the few years following. Or was it several? Whatever it was, there wasn’t any more time left so it was all squished into nine long minutes. And, like before, I didn’t care. I’ve never cared less this much before.

I now, because of this movie, feel bad for ABC as a network. They’re the ones that thought bringing this show to millions of Americans was a good idea. Clearly, especially for Saget, it wasn’t. I in general don’t think it was a good idea, but that’s because I’ve always hated the show.

God that movie was bad! Beyond bad. Big pile of shit bad. I couldn’t even enjoy a moment of it. Not one. I wish I could say it was because of all the negative press and review headlines I’d heard about or read. No, it wasn’t that. Not even close. This was just awful. Just when it seemed Lifetime was heading in a good direction with “UnREAL”, and then this shit airs on television. I should’ve been drunk, stoned, or punched in the face repeatedly until I was borderline unconscious, fully unconscious just wouldn’t be acceptable. Twisted, I know. Maybe even all of the above! Any of those scenarios would’ve made this unbearable film much better. Hell, get me drunk first, or near it, and then begin the drinking game. There isn’t one? Well, we’ll make it up as we go along, which is probably what they did with this movie. That certainly would’ve been okay and would’ve made the two hours, that seemed like four, go by much faster. I want my two god damned fucking hours back!
And that pretty much sums it up. You get the picture, or so I’m just going to imagine. You may also have been one of those smart people and stayed away from it entirely. I just realized something. There was no Twitter banter being had like with other TV movies I see. Could this have helped make the film enjoyable? Probably not, but I could’ve at least gotten some entertainment from the live tweeting that was going on. Perhaps for the next TV movie. However, if it’s another unauthorized anything, I will most definitely be skipping it.


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